Masculine? | Feminine?

This morning I had a conversation with a good friend. We were talking about gender-specific traits and how what is culturally acceptable to one gender, isn’t allowed to be expressed by the opposite gender. Yet in the same breath, those specific traits are also not celebrated or appreciated by society within the specified gender.

For example, if a man is confident and assertive, he’s being “patriarchal;” but if he’s being emotive and vulnerable, then he’s being “weak.” If a woman is being emotive, she needs to “calm down” and if she’s being assertive, she’s being a “b—-.” Translation: no one wins.

Herein lies the problem. We take words and define what we think they should mean, accepting what society dictates is “normal.” We act like personality traits, emotions, and expressions are binary, and then shame people when they do or don’t express our specific definition and categorization of those traits. This oftentimes creates a chaotic blend of contradiction which leaves people hurt, confused, and less willing to communicate.

The reality is, we were each created in the image of God, and women were not called to bare half of the fruits of the Spirit, and men the other half. Those fruits: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control are not binary, and should always be encouraged and celebrated regardless of the gender of who is expressing them. To be a male who is gentle and kind isn’t weakness- it’s sanctification and therefor strength.

To quote Sam Allberry in What God Has to Say about Our Bodies:

“…true, biblical masculinity and true, biblical femininity are, respectively, simply what naturally emerges when men and women grow in Christ. Biblically speaking, masculinity is what long-term sanctification produces in Christian men and femininity what long-term sanctification produces in women.”

As another specific example, I am a huge fan of the words that the Lord continues to give Preston Morrison, and listen regularly to his podcast The Leader’s Cut. I’ve never heard a man express such intimate love for the Father, cry, laugh, be honest, be convicted, and so unashamedly emote when he is deeply moved by something or someone. Yet I would not consider him weak or “feminine” at all- in spite of all the emotions he regularly displays; emotions which are counter-culture to what society dictates is an acceptable level for a man. In fact, his deep, steadfast love for Jesus and the Church is what Sam was talking about when he stated that biblical masculinity was the result of long-term sanctification.

This may be a different perspective, but I’m tired of listening to my male friends complain about being crapped on for being sensitive, and my female friends complain about being crapped on for not being aggressive enough. We tell the gentle to be assertive, and the strong to be weak. What if gentleness was someone’s superpower? What if being strong was? How about instead of treating personality and expressions as binary, we instead ask the Lord for wisdom to see the heart of the person standing in front of us.

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

Womanhood

This weekend I was standing in a church conference, singing praise songs with a room full of women.  As those voices lifted together, declaring the power of God, tears started pouring down my face. I was overcome with a strong wave of love for the women in that room, for my sisters in Christ. The depth, breadth, and power of our love for God, community, each other, and what a force for Christ that we are when we stay focused on Him, is staggeringly powerful. That wave of love that I felt was not just for the women in that room though, but the collective of the Godly Feminine.

In a world that can’t even define what a woman is anymore, I stood there and saw it acted out, that beautiful gift of womanhood. Young women and old women praying over each other; new mothers standing up and testifying of God’s goodness with their tiny newborn baby in their arms; church leaders standing next to women struggling with believing that God is who He says He is; seasoned Christians speaking over new Christians; hugging, laughing, worshiping, rededicating, rejoicing, speaking life over, weeping, and collectively turning our faces to the Cross. There is a strength and beauty that is all ours; a fierceness that for generation after generation has kept us at the foot of the Cross in a way that is uniquely feminine.

I love the place that we hold throughout the Gospels, the intentionality with which our loving Father wove us in to His plan for restoration. We bore the Gospel, and then bore witness to the fulfillment of the Gospel:

Who first carried the Gospel? A Woman.

What was Jesus’ last dying request? For His mother to be taken care of.

When Jesus died, who stayed at the cross until the very end? Women.

And John, the one whom Jesus loved. John is so vital, the embodiment of Biblical Manhood. Bless him. We need him.

Who discovered that the tomb was empty? A woman.

Who did Jesus first reveal His resurrected self to? A woman.

The women were PRESENT through it all. Through all the pain, the darkness, the loss, we bore witness to all of it. Mary was THERE. Walking through the mourning of “Rabboni,” her Teacher; drawing near to His physical being, even in death. As a result of being present, she was the first to bear witness to His Resurrection.

I kept thinking of this aspect of Jesus’ life-story throughout the conference and how much I appreciate the variety of ways in which women serve and chase after Jesus. Not just Mary and Martha, and Mary Magdalene, but the women of the Old Testament who served the Law, and Righteousness, who believed that Yahweh, the God of Israel, was the One true God without ever seeing the fulfillment of the Law or experienced the indwelling of the Holy Spirit: Deborah, Hannah, Esther, Ruth, Rahab. That strength, faithfulness, and integrity is the heritage of Womanhood.

As Jennie, Ann, Sadie, Jada, Bianca, and Christine preached through Psalm 23 yesterday, I was struck by how much they also chase after righteousness: the Deborahs and Esthers of my generation. These women didn’t hold back; they spoke truth and did not flinch; they said the quiet things out loud. There is a special holiness about a woman sold out to Jesus so completely.

We continue to be the witness-bearers to the power of Jesus, as we continue to carry the gospel to our families, our communities, our nations.

In a society that seeks to strip away my womanhood, and to reduce me down even past my reproductive organs, to simply a level of testosterone that is or isn’t in my body, I treasure the reminder that I received yesterday. The reminder that my heritage is strength, faithfulness, integrity, to bear witness to Him, and to carry the Gospel as only a woman can. And that is Holy work.

A letter to my married friends.

“How do we respond to a single friend in her thirties or forties who says she just can’t come to church anymore because it feels like the marrieds are closing ranks, and she feels lonelier on Sunday mornings than any other time of the week…people say they’ve left the church because they didn’t feel there was space for someone in their situation.”

Beyond Awkward Side Hugs, Bronwyn Lea

This quote spoke to my very soul. It’s the main reason why I left the church for a long time, and why I’m still struggling, trying to step back in. Sitting in church alone, ignored and struggling to hold in tears; trying to look open to conversation and be extra friendly to those around me in the hopes that someone will notice me. But they don’t. I understand that is in no way intentional, service is full of perfectly kind and generous people. Everyone has a finite capacity for relationship, and people who have full, busy lives, aren’t looking to include anyone new.

To my married friends, I thought I would offer some insight in to the life of a Single, and speak in to some possible assumptions, or just plain ignorance.

Please be aware of the single friends in your community. Please reach out and include them. We don’t have our own families, so as we move through life, we do not get to participate in traditions and “family” experiences. The only way we get that is if you invite us in to yours. You may assume that we don’t want to sacrifice our peace for the chaos of your children and busy life, but friend, it’s just not true. Because we do spend a lot of time alone, the noise may be slightly jarring, it doesn’t mean we don’t want to be there and won’t have a good time.

You’re busy, but want to catch up? I’ll come cheer on your kids’ soccer game, show up with coffee, a chair and chat. I will be overwhelmed that you thought to invite me in the first place. Going to the pumpkin patch, or to look at Christmas lights? I’ve got the hot chocolate, I’m there. Going to watch Christmas movies and eat popcorn? I’ll be there as long as I can wear pajamas. You made too much food for a Wednesday night? I’ll totally come over and belly up to the table. I’ll teach your kids how to shoot peas and be wildly disruptive. I’ll even help with the dishes. Getting a group together and everyone is a couple except for that one friend so you don’t invite him/her? Please do. Personally, I’ll be a 5^th, 7^th, or 29^th wheel, I literally don’t care. I just want hugs and good conversation and to be surrounded by brothers and sisters who love me.

Invite yourself over to help decorate for the holidays, if that would help your friend feel less lonely. Bring your husband and a ladder to help. Doing everything alone gets overwhelming. Make sure they have a stocking, and something in it. Think of all the things that you do for your family, that your family does for you and think about how that single friend probably only gets it if they do it themselves. And where is the fun in that? Ask the questions; be blunt, be sneaky in how you gather information, but please collectively care for us.

Holidays are hard for us singles. And it doesn’t mean that these experiences we get invited in to don’t have pain attached. There might still be a struggle, and pain and grief for being the only single one, or living with the fact that we may not have our own children to introduce our favorite holiday traditions to. We don’t have our own traditional family to go home to, or build memories with, and there’s no denying that smarts.

 I can’t speak for all singles, but I can speak for all the ones I’ve talked to, who collectively agree that most of the time, we would rather participate and be included than left out because of an assumption, or because we were just not even considered in the first place. The secret is, we will experience twinges of emotions either way, but give us an opportunity to also hold in tandem joy, family, experience, and belonging. I’m learning the hard way that there is nothing wrong with emotions and feelings. It’s all part of the human experience. I can be fully present and enjoying the moment, and grieve at the same time. These do not have to be mutually exclusive.

I’m not saying it is all your responsibility, but speaking for myself, I’m not going to voluntarily insert myself in to another family’s traditions/experiences. My assumption, right or wrong, is that is your family moment and I don’t want to “ruin” it. I’m not going to put you on the spot by saying, “can I come?” That feels rude. Extending an invitation is extending a lifeline.

Please remember us as you move through life and as your brothers and sisters, invite us in to your community/family/home. The church has collectively, colossally failed an entire demographic and since the church starts at home, at home is where we will fix it.

Millennial Dating

Millennial Dating. In 2022. It’s a warzone.

I had a big dating revelation recently: I do not have to apologize for anything that I have or have not experienced in regards to dating.

Let me explain.

Growing up in the Joshua Harris generation has had a permanent effect on my dating life. I Kissed Dating Goodbye culture did a number on my generation of the church community, with varying results. It was 100% focused on abstinence, and females taking responsibility for the thoughts and actions of men and not “causing them to stumble” but nothing was ever said about the men “plucking their own eyes out,” (Matt 8:19) I’m just saying. No, all the responsibility was on the female and to even be attracted to the opposite sex was to “cheat on your future spouse.”

So I caved in on myself and felt shamed for my own body, femininity, desires and womanhood. I was afraid of doing the “wrong thing” and therefor not have a blessed marriage. Not a great foundation for dating.

Everyone had their own experiences with this ideology, but for me, it led me to isolate, friend-zone and not date all the way in to my 30’s. I knew something wasn’t right, and I didn’t want to try and figure it out whilst dating. So I held back. In addition to being wildly insecure, it seemed unkind to guys I might date. I wasn’t comfortable with my motives. And then I just got used to being single and life went on. I kept trying to finish school and focused on that for a decade, instead of literally anything else.

I got older and not having experience what I “should have” by this point in my life made me feel unqualified to date. But the only way to fix that is to do it. Talk about a catch-22.

Y’all. Dating as a Millennial is treacherous at best. The common phrase is: “single for a season or single for a reason.” Realizing my “season” has been really long, I have had to accept that I must fall in the latter category, lol.

So I made the decision to dip my toe in to the world of online dating. Friends, I hate it.

Guys online are so vulgar it’s disgusting (and to be clear, I’m told women are no better so it’s not just guys) and churches seem to attract men who aren’t who they say they are/narcissists, they are just really weird, or they are too insecure because we’ve emasculate them, or they are so afraid of being mistaken for being a creep when maybe there just awkward or worried about unrealistic expectations (just like we are).

Are there exceptions? Sure. They are unicorns and I’m sure they tend to say the same about the female population in the church, hahaha.

Learning to navigate the online dating world has been a first-row ticket to the shit show. Here’s a quick breakdown.

eHarmony: Pay a lot of money, take FOREVER setting up your profile. Seriously seeking LTR only, but again, expensive. Guys are INTENSE.

Bumble: you swipe, they swipe, no one ever actually talks. I have had luck with the friendship side though, so props to that. Lots of “I don’t pay for this so here’s my Snapchat if you want to HMU there.” No thank you. Being told you won’t even put in enough effort to fill out a profile, I can come find you on yet another app so you can send me dick pics? No thanks.

Tinder: Hookup App

Match: Some of everything. Has the “I want more than Bumble but don’t want to pay for eHarmony” people. Also lots of “I don’t pay for this (or “I’m not on here mutch”) so here’s my Snapchat if you want to HMU there.”

Christian Mingle: Weird, or same guys on Match and Bumble pretending and still hoping for a booty call. Heavy on the narcissists.

SnapChat: do not give out unless you want dick-pics. I do not have one, this is what I have been told.

Again, are there exceptions to all of these? Yes. Do I know someone who met their person on all of these apps? Yes. But as Gigi says in He’s Just Not That In To You, we have to remember that we are not the exception, we are the rule.

I hate it. I hate the buffet-style smorgasbord. It’s so shallow and judgy. I hate answering the “how long since your last relationship” or “how long was your longest relationship?” Not invalid questions, but certainly not the only metric for determining if someone was capable of communicating, being empathetic, compromising, and building a healthy, trusting relationship.

We distill ourselves down to whether or not we drink, smoke, are “420 Friendly,” identify as “Christian” or “other,” political stance, and a list of other things that when you read, you just assume the stereotypes and give no space for the nuance that is a human being. We swipe left/right based on these few facts, and the few that we each personally have. For example, my immediate swipe left factors are: White sunglasses, flat-brimmed hats, liberals, and any photos wearing a mask or having your tongue sticking out. Hard passes for me. Judgy? Yes. That’s what these apps do to you.

Up until recently, anyone that I have talked with or gone out with, 100% of the time I’ve felt uncomfortable and insecure about literally everything. Mostly my lack of experience in… well experience.

I’ve been introspecting for a while now and this week it finally clicked for me: I don’t have to apologize for anything. I am who I am, a culmination of all past experiences. Up to this point I wasn’t ready to date and now I am, plain and simple. I needed to grow and heal, and untangle the mess that was false teachings that I internalized. The alternative for me would be using men to try and work through my issues and coming into a relationship now in my 30’s, with a hell of a lot of baggage. So really, to future dude, you’re welcome.

Discontent vs. Gratefulness

Being content and wanting more are not mutually exclusive. I may be happy and love my life, my job, my home, and still want more. This is something that I have struggled with, “discontent.” I put that in air-quotes because I have realized that I have been mislabeling some things and the discovery was very freeing!

A few months ago, I finally achieved a dream of mine and bought my first house. Within 6 weeks I was going, “okay what’s next?” I was resoundingly told “ENJOY IT FOR A MINUTE.” While they weren’t wrong in some aspects, I thought, “I am enjoying it,” followed quickly by “what’s wrong with me that I’m such a malcontent and can’t just be satisfied for once?”

I’ve since been praying for contentment, and to be satisfied with what I have. I have been trying to just live in the moment, and soak up the achievement, without thinking too much about “what’s next.” Yet I’ve kept poking around and trying to figure out my next steps anyway, simultaneously repenting of ungratefulness and praying for more contentment.

Friends. I had it all wrong.

A conversation with a dear friend started my wheels spinning. We were talking about goals and future plans, or rather how to figure out the plan, and she said something that set me free: “To not want more or grow in some way, means you’ve settled. You can be content and still want more, the key is gratefulness.”

Lets unpack that a little.

Please don’t misunderstand me and say that if there’s areas of your life you are perfectly happy in, that you are wrong and should still be hustling. I no longer identify with “hustle culture” (ie: Burnout), and don’t want you to think I’m promoting that. We can all agree there’s room for improvement in some area of our lives, that’s part of the fun of the human experience!

However, you can be perfectly content, and still want more. For example, I love my new house. I am content with it, but there are things about it that I would like to change/have. I want a fireplace, and three bedrooms. I’d like a larger yard, and a screened in back porch. I wish it had a big tree, and a large master bathroom with a garden tub. That doesn’t mean that I am discontent and jealous of others who do have those things. I’m extremely grateful for my home, I love it and am enjoying making it mine! And that’s the key isn’t it, gratefulness. While being grateful and happy, I can work towards the things I do want that I don’t have, either in this home or the next. I can sit happy in my home, at my desk, in MY OFFICE, and plan for “what’s next” without berating myself for mis-placed repentance. I have a whole list of pending projects, and I can’t wait to start putting my stamp on this home. And that doesn’t make me ungrateful. It makes me creative and focused.

It was very freeing to realize I could hold contentment and gratefulness in one hand, dreams and wanting more in the other.

I’ve quit praying for contentment, and started praying for wisdom to order my steps, and that I would dream BIG.  

Be Sweet. To Yourself.

Revelation comes from the oddest places.

Sometimes, that place is a silly rom-com on Netflix.

I was watching this silly movie on Netflix, as one may do on a long holiday weekend when complete fluff is the level of brain capacity available.

In the movie, the hero of the story tells the heroine “You are very sweet. But you also must be sweet to yourself, no?” (He’s a Spaniard, so read that with a lovely accent and uptick-questioning-inflection at the “no.”)

I’ve been pondering that all weekend, this idea of “being sweet” to oneself. At first I thought, oh it’s just another way of saying “self-care.” (I liken self-care to the realm of caring for my mental health, and this idea is not that, though it can help 😊)

The more I thought about the concept, the more it felt significant, specifically as a single person.

When you are single, you have to do everything; you have to do all the yardwork, cooking, cleaning, tag renewal, laundry, errands, grocery shopping, car repairs, taxes, and work the full time job. If you get sick and miss the window between the rain to mow the lawn, then it must wait another week and is going to be harder to push through. We can’t ask someone to save us a trip and pick something up on their way home, it’s all us. (It is a LARGE misconception that single people have “all the time in the world.” We in fact do not. We have to do what married people split with their partner. But I digress…).

In addition to doing everything, there isn’t someone to do sweet things for you. It’s all you and it’s so easy to slip into survival mode and let “non-essentials” go to the wayside.

I had to ask myself, if I had a special someone, what would be “sweet” for me? What are those little things that would make me feel loved and cared for?

• Not having to brew coffee in the morning, just having it ready
• Having the dishes done when I come in the kitchen in the morning.
• Get myself a random fancy coffee, just because
• Don’t ride my gas tank all the way to E before filling up. Doing it on the weekend so I don’t have to worry about it during my workweek.
• Fresh flowers on the table.

These are the few things that I thought of the last few days and I realized that I could be sweet to myself, and do them for me, not begrudgingly, but simple to do something nice for myself. Often at night I think, “Oh I should prep coffee” and then don’t do it because I’m tired. “Whatever, I’ll just do it in the morning, it doesn’t matter.” It actually does matter though, and I’m incredibly grateful when I set it on a timer, or just have to push brew. It brightens my whole day.

So I started being sweet to myself. I almost caved tonight and didn’t prep it, but I said, “Be sweet to yourself, wash these 5 dishes, and prep your coffee.” And I did. I’m going to fill up my tank tomorrow, and just maybe buy some flowers.

If you are single and struggling with having to do everything yourself, friend I get it. Truly. Take 5 minutes to do something with specific intentionality for yourself that you will really appreciate. You will be grateful!

Let me know what you do and if it helps you in any way!

Between Enough and Everything

“You shouldn’t need anything other than Jesus.”

“If you aren’t content, you need more Jesus.”

“Unsatisfied? More Jesus.”

“Lonely? You need more Jesus. You aren’t focusing on Him enough.”

“If you feel unhappy, then you are focusing on the wrong things.”

I’ve heard every variation of these phrases, when expressing a frustration over lack of something. Especially in regards to loneliness. Lonely? You need more Jesus and you are trying to seek it outside of Him. So it’s my fault.

I’d like to call BS on this school of thought.

Can Jesus be “enough?” Yes.

Will He ever be “everything?” No.

We were literally created for community and human connection so there are certain aspects of longing that He can never fill, no matter how much we beg and plead. In those moments, He can still meet us and help us to find contentment, but that doesn’t mean the loneliness or longing for community/family/partner will go away. And we should stop trying.

When we’re told that the reason we are feeling these things is because we don’t have our hearts right with the Lord, it leads to a lot of heartache and misplaced blame (which is sometimes, but not always true). If that’s always the real reason, then I’m not doing enough. Suddenly it becomes about what I am or am not doing; it becomes works-based and grace-less. I become discouraged because despite my best efforts I’m still feeling these feelings and they aren’t going away. So I try harder. I do more. I read my Bible more. I pray more. I try and engage more with the people around me. The lies slip in and I think if I just do a little bit more, then it will eventually be enough, and I’ll arrive and be content in Jesus.

And I am, but only to a point. Clearly I’m doing something wrong because I can’t jump those last few hurdles. So I do more. It doesn’t work. One giant, vicious cycle.

What if, instead, we acknowledge that Jesus can be enough, but He can’t be everything? What if we accept that there are certain wants and needs that He can’t fill, and that it’s not because we aren’t trying hard enough or because He loves us less. Maybe we need to let go of unrealistic expectations. It’s okay to sit with those uncomfortable feelings.

Maybe what Jesus really wants is to sit and hold our hand in the space between enough and everything. He mourns with us being stuck in this fallen world, He comforts us, but He doesn’t take away that pain. Because what that pain actually is, is our humanity.

2022 | New Year

It’s been a year since I posted anything. Have I written? Yes. Have I posted? No. I fear if I posted anything I’ve written in the last year, I will most likely not have any friends left. It has been raw. And visceral. And fraught with the utter groanings of my soul. Very Old Testament vibes for SURE. Like the rest of humanity, I had a lot to process through, I explored things I’d never had to think about, opinions that had to be formed that I have never been forced to face.

I find the words I wrote a year ago, being in half agony and half hope, were the words of someone who still had a piece of hope left in them. This last year has been so dark and relentlessly disappointing that I did not even want to celebrate Christmas, the season of Hope.

New Year’s greetings/plans/resolutions make me flinch, which I fully recognize as a trauma response. For multiple reasons, this year has been one of, if not the hardest one of my life. Has there been good, yes. Have I lost sight of who I am and Whose I am? Also yes.

I want to find that person again, and to be an active participant in my own life. Embracing the suck didn’t work for me, there was too much of it and it drowned me and swallowed me whole like Jonah.

If embracing the suck didn’t work, what might work? I don’t really know yet to be honest.

2022 needs to be my own Peniel; the place where Jacob wrestled God and refused to let go until he received the blessing he sought. As a result, God gave him a new name, and changed the direction of Jacob’s life, naming him Israel. I think I’ve some wrestling to do this year, and I’ll be damned if I let another year pass me by of just existing and not living.

I’ve got to remember to live a life where all I have left is to “give the grave only bones.”

NEW YEARS MUSINGS | PART 3

PART 3: January 2, 2021

I wrote this a few weeks ago, but it hasn’t felt like the right time to post it. With everything going on in the world right now, I have felt voiceless, powerless, and unable to even process the overwhelming barrage of hatred, anger and hypocrisy that is spewing out from every direction. But isn’t choosing joy and love the antithesis of those who seek to destroy, to those who make sweeping generalizations about any group of people that affiliate differently than they do? I think so.

So, I choose joy. I choose to focus on what I can change: myself. Because I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind. I choose to educate myself, pray for wisdom, and not be a pushover. I choose to stop living in fear of other’s disagreeing with me. We can disagree, that’s okay because neither of us have our value as a human changed by disagreeing. If I confuse others, if I make mistakes along the way, then that’s okay. Because I’m not responsible for your opinions about me, I’m just responsible for myself, to not be an asshole and live justly, walk humbly, and love mercy. I am responsible to get to the end of my day and not be disappointed in myself.

But I digress, back to my original post…

January 2, 2021

I didn’t realize this was going to be such a process but I don’t think I have ever held so many different emotions at the same time, as I have in 2020. To quote Persuasion, “I am half agony, half hope.”

There were two main thoughts that have been part of my “coming out the other side” thoughts.

1. Redemption of 2020
2. Coming up with a plan

Redemption:

When situations are less than ideal, when bad things happen, when life doesn’t go as planned, I try and find the redemption in it. I look for something that makes the bad experience worth it: a lesson learned; an aspect of God revealed. Yet I find myself coming up empty on redemption for 2020.  I began asking myself if everything has to get redeemed. Maybe sometimes a shitty thing is just shitty. And maybe that’s okay.

Plan

I mentioned in my last post a need for a plan. I love a good plan. Plans change, but the surety of moving in some kind of direction gives me peace and focus.

“How do you feel?”

“How can I find hope?” has been the big question these last few days. What can I choose to focus on so that 2021 doesn’t feel like a waste? I think primarily, my answer is to not give in to the fear and the despondency.

Choosing to live fully, when feeling like you are in the pit of despair, is the ultimate finger to the enemy. And I do love a good underdog moment. Wesley made it out of the pit of despair with the help of a giant, an enemy, chocolate covered pills and a wheelbarrow. Surely I can too.

I also love lists. If you know me at all, setting goals is my favorite. I don’t even have to achieve them all. It just gives me something to do when I’m twiddling my thumbs going “I’m bored in the house and I’m in the house bored.” Lists are also great because, CHECKING THINGS OFF. Are you the kind of person that adds things to the list that you’ve already done, just so you can have the satisfaction of checking them off? Just me? Okay fine, but you’re missing out.

I sat down and wrote out a list of 21 things to work on this year. (Get it, 21 things in 2021…) Here is what I came up with and I’m not going to lie, it’s a pretty good list:

1. Find a church
2. Schedule more time with friends
3. Artist Dates
4. Plan weekend trips
5. Read all the new books I just bought (Christmas, used book store, it got intense #notsorry)
6. Work on photography
7. Buy a Record player
8. Join a small group
9. Keep sewing-try new patterns
10. Start going to coffee shops again
11. FINISH TV shows I’ve started (if you know me, you know. Shut up)
12. Go for walks
13.  Work on art
14. Go to museums
15. BUY A HOUSE
16. Go to the park more
17. Get a year subscription of Masterclass
18. Continue learning from-scratch-cooking
19. Simplify
20. Write more blogs
21. Go Hiking on all the great trails that are day-trip distance

With the way things are right now, I made sure that my list was primarily things I could do with or without people. Having a to-do list that is dependent on others is obviously setting myself up for failure and we don’t want that.

I have felt this pressure the last year that I am a bystander and not an active participant in my own life. 2020 robbed me of so much and I experienced such pain, loneliness and anguish that I think I stopped living. I have been afraid to plan, cringing as I anticipate the next hit that is sure to come. I forgot who I was and Who’s I was.

NO MORE. I am stepping back in to being intentional, an active participant. I don’t want to feel like I am missing out.

The best way I can describe what I want 2021 to look like is with this quote by Jon Acuff.  This is an excellent set of filters to look at my choices through. I plan on focusing on this in the next few weeks, to figure out how to not refuse the gifts I have been given, to chase what is true and Holy, to stand for truth, to not waste my days… and to give the grave only bones:

If at the end of my life, the only thing I’ve accomplished is a comfortable life, my days have been wasted.

If at the end of my life, the only thing I’ve fought for is my own name, my days have been wasted.

If at the end of my life, the only thing I’ve cared about is my own care, my days have been wasted.

If at the end of my life, the only thing I’ve stood for is my own reputation, my days have been wasted.

If at the end of my life, the only thing I’ve traded are works for rewards, my days have been wasted.

May we not go to the grave quietly.

May we not make refuse of the gifts we’ve been given. 

May we never chase the shiny in place of the holy, the trend instead of the truth, the immediate instead of the eternal.

Arrive empty to the grave, having given all you were given, stewarded all you were tasked with.

Give the grave only bones.   

New Years Musings | PART 2

Not one to sit on my laurels, this morning I re-read what I wrote last night.  I wanted to see what still rang true, in the light of a new day. Writing is a catharsis for me, it helps me expel my emotions, sift through them, and see what is true; what the common themes are. It is now January 1^st and perhaps I can dredge up some feelings of hope or newness or something.

As I have continued to read through NYE posts of people telling all the great things that happened in 2020, I was surprised at the content. I saw a lot of “I don’t want to deny anyone else’s hardships, but 2020 was actually an amazing year for me.” I then began making excuses for why their year sucked less for them, that they were able to write such things: they had a family, they weren’t alone, they found love, they had an opportunity to keep LIVING, they had awesome experiences come their way, their isolation wasn’t as complete as mine, the Lord met them in ways He didn’t seem to have time for with me.

This train of thought was uncomfortable for me, I hate blaming other people and other situations because then that veers in to victimhood territory. I spent years moving away from victimhood to having a strong sense of self-efficacy and taking personal responsibility for my current status. I also prefer to be in control, so there’s that.

These thought patterns pulled me up short and triggered me to stop and take another look. I began to think, maybe I missed something. Maybe I missed the point of 2020.  So many of my friends and acquaintances apparently had a great year, so where did I mess up?

I can think of a million different things I could have done differently, but the end result is all the same: they are all shit, the Achilles heel of the doer: They are simply me trying to regain a modicum of control. If I can change my behavior and therefor the outcome, then I have control of the situation. Not that my behavior doesn’t need to change, but if that is the focus, then I’m going to wear myself out DOING.

I came across a short video from Beth Moore, wishing everyone a happy New Year. She said something that has been ringing in my ears all evening: “We will have tribulations because He promised we would.  He also promised He has overcome them.” In between unpacking and watching Lord of the Rings (It’s New Years and I’m a Klueber after all), I ruminated over this thought. Maybe that was the piece that I missed last year.  

Perhaps there is a bit of “embracing the suck” that is required to find the blessing in seasons like this one. We have been promised there will be hardships, though 2020 takes the cake. Maybe I need to beg God to show me where He is in the midst of the suck, instead of just begging Him to take it away. If I shift my posture to one who is already walking in victory, then the hits wont sting quite so much. Maybe? What I do know is that I can’t repeat the year I just lived so something has to change.

I still haven’t figured it out, and I still haven’t found my “but…” However, I do feel a modicum of dare I say… hope? I recognize I need a plan. Don Miller says that expecting life to just happen, without a plan, is like expecting a tornado to take a pile of building material and create a house. It’s sheer lunacy and creates nothing but chaos.

How can I choose today to move forward in a positive manner? I think this week, focusing on gratitude is where I need to be. I mentioned yesterday that the most positive things of 2020 were a compromise and that was true. I recognize I need to focus on the positive, and not the compromise. So here’s a list of positives of 2020, period.

I graduated!

I got a new job, in my career field

I am saving up to buy a house, my absolute dream.

I went through the Artist’s Way and saw amazing breakthrough in my life.

I started sewing again

I got to build an amazingly sweet friendship with my gal pal, Amy

I discovered I love Bourbon, possibly even more than Gin.

I had time to do something I’ve always wanted and catalogued all of my books and movies so I can stop buying duplicates. I’m a nerd, and I love organization.

I discovered the show Longmire, Walt is BAE.

I learned how to make a Christmas Tree skirt with my mom.

It’s not a long list, but it’s honest and without compromise.

What are you doing to foster hope and an excitement for the future? Asking for a friend.